My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
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[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach