How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
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There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
going to the ER y’all need anything
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
When someone says you are so lazy
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?