Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
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Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
barbara was highly relatable
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.