Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
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Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
BRAKING NEWS!!