Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
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I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.