Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
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Meanwhile in Canada…
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now