Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
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Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.