imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
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That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I’ve had worse
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours