People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
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I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate