Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
You Might Also Like
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
😜
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.