[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
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Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
🙄😏😂🤣
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist: