[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
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Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!