Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
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INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
*puts my mental health in rice
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food