Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
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I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
is this how new cars are made??
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.