My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
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You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
are there any atheist mantises?
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately