Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
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whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes