I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
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[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.