Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
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When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away