Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
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Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I’ve had worse
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.