Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
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I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
can’t catch a break
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*