WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
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Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”