this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
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Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Somebody’s lying.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.