“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
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Confused owl: What?!
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Your secret is safeish with me
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?