My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
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Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.