If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
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“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.