I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
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I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
incredible
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that