people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
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Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.