interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you