“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
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5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
the three branches of government
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over