“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
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Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.