It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
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*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.