My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
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I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I鈥檓 just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 馃槏馃槏
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they鈥檙e yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
If Mother Earth were real she鈥檇 leave us all outside the fire station.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.