“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
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[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.