One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
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“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.