Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
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My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Truth
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.