Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
You Might Also Like
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
good work, detective
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer: