6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
You Might Also Like
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next