*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
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Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.