Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
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Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
“No way.” -Jose
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
bout dat hot dog summer
i smell a pulitzer
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.