Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
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*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
we’re dead?
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.