FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
You Might Also Like
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Oh boy, $150,000!
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.