Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
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We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation