hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
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Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
What flavor cupcake are these
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Um … Hot Wings please
Just parrot things
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
security at the airport getting more straightforward
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right