[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
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him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
how to exercise your calf muscles
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much