I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
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judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Pigeon open mic night.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.