You Might Also Like
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
😅😅😅
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.