Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
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Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get