all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
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Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Always 🥴
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”