If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
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But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it