I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
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“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?